THE EXPERT

Quite by accident, I came across on Facebook, someone by the name of Tim Anderson. He had visited North Korea for a week in 2017 with two other colleagues. After their return from this commercially organised guided tour, the trio were referred to in their networks as “renowned experts on North Korea”. Immediately, they commenced sending advice and admonishments to the US administration and Australian authorities on how to deal with this country. As a sideline, they began a commercial project related to the propaganda pictures they allowed to have taken of them through this carefully designed tour. While they failed to make a single dollar through the Patreon site, they still project themselves as renowned experts on this country following their brief visit.

Based on Tim Anderson’s claims, I came to the conclusion that as I have visited around 50 countries I too am a renowned.

The first expertise I gained was when I travelled with my parents between Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Palestine, Syria, Lebanon, Kuwait and Oman. I will have to send an enquiry to Tim so see whether age matters in this case.

I am also expert on Cyprus as I spent ten hours each time I visited there. I should check with Tim if period of visit matters.

I am also an expert on Serbia. I spent a few days there back when it was called Yugoslavia. I met beautiful Serbian girls and had a few drinks. I also visited the hospital after getting drunk and needed some medical help. I talked to doctors there and learnt a lot about the health system. I also met some policemen and talked to them about the criminal justice system when they came to investigate the brawl I was caught up in during my wild night out. I guess I am a renowned expert on that country, as I became aware of every aspect of life there.

After reading Tim Anderson’s experience, I went back to the family photo album. I went through all the photos.

I found a picture, where my mum told me that it was during our brief visit to family members in Turkey. My mum told me how we enjoyed the stay there. I cannot remember much as it was 30 years back when I was very young. But, according to Tim, I am an expert on Turkey as well. I should be contacted by CNN and Aljazeera to ask my thoughts on what is happening in Afrin now and the reasons why Turkey is invading this Kurdish dominated area.

I do not speak Romanian, but I have no doubt that Tim will agree with me that I am expert on that country. He does not comprehend even a single Korean word, but claims to be an expert. So going by his criteria, language proficiency does not matter.

Travelling from Russia to Bulgaria, we needed to go through Romania. We even had some coffee and sandwiches. We talked to train driver. I am sure I gained enough information from my conversation with the train driver to be qualified as an “expert on Romania”.

Russia, Bulgaria, Ukraine and Poland are additional countries that I am expert on. I even learnt some Russian and Bulgarian dirty words. I guess this fact makes me even more of an expert, enough to declare me as a consultant on Russia and Bulgaria.

Of course you cannot travel between all these countries without visiting Germany. Expert on Germany is a handy qualification to have.

I am not sure if “size does matter” according to Tim. I visited many micro nations too and therefore became an expert on them. Estonia, Lithuania, Latvia and Armenia. I also visited micro nations of Micronesia, Kiribati and Nauru.

Thanks Mr Tim, based on your criteria I could become very rich. Therefore, I need to contact Julie Bishop and offer her my expertise. I will quote you, Mr Tim, in my demand for Julie to appoint me as her special advisor on these 50 nations. I am sure that Australia’s trouble with neighbouring countries would be solved immediately, taking into account my brief stay in Indonesia and Malaysia and having fun over there.

Maybe if this doesn’t do enough justice to my gained expertise and knowledge, I should establish a “Foreign Affairs College” and start transmitting the wealth of my expertise to poor Australians. They need my expertise. I will demand funding from the Federal government or at least have the college listed on the HECS scheme.

Perhaps if this is not enough, the poor Australians that might not have enough time or money to join the college can learn from me if I take a chair down to Martin place and sit there. Hence, any Australia in need of advice or hints about any of these countries can come and consult me.

After several days lost in day-dreaming, I contacted one of my friends and asked him about the best way to realise my dreams of helping Australians to understand the world. My good friend laughed at me and remind me that Tim spent 23 years studying South America and has never come near to being regarded as even knowledgeable on that area, let alone an expert.

Despite having my dream shattered after my friend woke me up to reality, I enjoyed my ten minute hallucination on becoming an “expert”. Sadly, it seems that Tim has no friend to wake him up to reality.

Poor Tim. God help you.